A Dangerous Headspace: Part 3 (Relapsing)
This FinDom is not done with me
This episode continues from where the bonus episodes of "A Dangerous Headspace" parts 1-2 ended. Despite his decision to end his submission to a ruthless FinDom, he relapsed less than a month later.
This episode is a cautionary tale and certainly not an encouragement to submit to that FinDom. The risks are real, including addiction and financial ruin.
Parts 1–2 explore how this headspace developed and are available to premium subscribers.
Read below or listen to this episode for free here or on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and other platforms.
House Slave Fag
Transcript
Hi there,
Thank you for joining me on another bonus episode of "A Fag's Journey into Submission." I am your host, House Slave Fag.
I previously shared exclusively with my inner circle my experience with a dangerous headspace in two parts. It was a cautionary tale that you can listen to on Apple Podcasts or by subscribing directly through my blog at HouseSlaveFag.ghost.io and subscribing at subs.com/HouseSlaveFag. It's just $5 a month and it's totally worth it.
Today I'm sharing publicly a third part of this tale, as I recently relapsed to the same FinDom who had drained me for $1,300 within a month, and whom I thought I’d stopped serving just 4 week ago.
I feel so conflicted about it. It's a lot of fun, but I also know it's very dangerous. So consider this post a public service announcement. It's an honest reflection of my state of mind and a warning. Fun can be so dangerous. Please do as I say, don't do as I do.
It's 4pm on New Year's Day, and I decided to go outside for a walk, just to clear my head and narrate the script for this episode, once again in a musing style. It‘s a geeky PSA but a sexy one.
It's actually cold and drizzling in San Francisco, but I figured it would be better to get out of the house after being cooped up inside all day. We got back from New Year Eve’s party at 6am, and my Master still hasn't woken up. So I figured I still have some time on my own, and I may as well go for a walk. That's the healthy thing to do, right? He wants me to get 10,000 steps in every day anyway, though I rarely achieve that.
While I’m on this walk, I thought I should share a bit about my state of mind and potential relapse. Well, who am I kidding? It's not a potential relapse, it already is a relapse because I have already sent money to this FinDom. Two tributes, albeit of the minimal amount possible on his Throne. But you know how it goes. You start small and then you end like a total cashwhore.
If you would have read my direct messages to him, you'd have no question that I am relapsing for him. I am very iffy about it, really trying to protect myself, knowing how dangerous it can be to submit to him. So I've been keeping it rather discreet and not tweeting so much about him, and not tagging him. I’m not ready to promote him again because I'm also very concerned about your safety. So even if I'm too tempted to submit to him, I want to be very clear about the dangers.
When I previously disengaged from him, I removed his name from all my blog posts and podcast episodes. I was a little more comfortable to share a more details in my premium podcast, because in a way it still screens who listens to it. My inner circle, my most dedicated fans, who are willing to pay a small subscription fee. But maybe I could say a bit more today.
I appreciate that this FinDom has been very understanding. I mean, I don't know if he's listened to my musings that were perhaps a little more critical. He probably hasn't. But in any case, there was probably no reason for him to get upset about them. He likes to present himself as a ruthless sadist too and I believe I did justice to his character.
It was my account of my submission, described after I had lost interest. And when I stopped sending he didn’t chase. He loses interest in subs who don’t send tributes. He tried to trigger me a couple of , but he didn’t press when that didn’t provoke the desired reaction. He knows that a sub will come to him when he's ready, whether it's a new sub or a relapsing sub.
I was careful not to paint him as a villain or anything like that. Though he is a sadist, as he identifies himself. I just focused on my experience, and how it got a little bit harder because I was losing control and I couldn't protect myself. In particular, I was concerned about potential addiction: addiction to findom and addiction to poppers. And if you think there's no such thing, because neither are chemically addictive drugs, then I have news for you. Both can cause psychological addiction, and he is extremely skilled at utilizing that.
His audio recordings are a part of his process. They are incredibly hypnotic, and by that I mean they are actually designed very clearly to bypass anyone's ability to maintain autonomous decision-making. He had clearly studied the subject carefully, using sophisticated techniques and possibly even technology to make his audio recordings so effective. It's true that it also makes it more fun from a sub's perspective, but there is real danger in it that I can't stress enough.
You can admire him for it, love him even, though you really should be scared of him. He can easily break you, whether he intends to or not.
He says that it's a sub's responsibility to maintain his independence, his control, so as not to spiral more than he can stand. But that's one area in which I disagree with him. It's very difficult for a sub to maintain independent decision-making when this FinDom uses very effective measures to bypass independent decision-making, including poppers and hypnotic voice recordings. I'm sure he knows that.
The danger comes not only from how he removes autonomous decision-making, but also that he won't stop at anything. That's another area in which I don't agree with him. He says a sub shouldn't put his trust in a Dom to take care of him in any case, because he won't. A Dom would prioritize his own interests. However, I believe that in reality most Doms will respect a sub's limits, not only give the illusion they're respecting them while working to stretch them all the time, as he does. Most Doms will stop when they realize the sub may be seriously harmed. Sure, some Doms are more egotistical than others, but even such self-interest has a limit for most people. He just doesn't feel that limit and he can push subs very far if it serves him.
That's why I don't encourage subs to submit to him anymore. Maybe some can limit their submission, but maybe they can't and they face a risk of serious harm. He doesn't deny the risk of harm either. He told me himself that the risk is what makes me so excited about him, not just the submission. I didn't see that, but he may have a point.
The question I can't answer yet is whether I can stop myself, or limit my surrender to him. I was able to do that the first time, but that doesn't mean I'd be so lucky again. It's also very hard to resist the temptation to think that if I'd only make more money, all this could become less stressful and less dangerous, because I'd have more money to play with. The problem is that he will always push me to send more. He told me that too. And that's not only because he always wants more, but because he recognizes that subs always want to send more. Chasing the rush, a sub may need to go higher every time to get excited.
This is the most frustrating issue. That there may not be a safe way to submit to him, because he will always push me too far — into addiction, and into losing too much money. It's fun and exciting, but so dangerous and harmful.
Today I made two mistakes. First, I listened to his voice recordings again, despite knowing how hypnotic they are. I have avoided them for so long, but I guess I got tempted after chatting with him for the last couple of days and enjoying listening to his voice messages. Hell, as far as I know, he may be using the same hypnotic techniques even in those simple messages. You have to understand, he has had a lot of experience with many subs, and by now he has learned what works. I bet he read a lot of psychological literature on it too.
The second mistake I made was going to buy poppers. I remember how he once said in an interview that this shit should be illegal. Well, the fact of the matter is that it is illegal in many countries, and even in the US, where it's so easy to find, it's being sold under bullshit excuses like room deodorizer or video cassette cleaner, because it’s not legal to sell as a drug for inhaling. I wasn't sure where I'd find it on New Year's Day, but it turned out it was so much easier than I had thought. And now the only thing postponing my next huff is my Master, as I'm visiting him right now and I don't have any privacy most of the time.
I might end up having a session with this FinDom in the coming days, though I really don't have spare money right now. I have actually recently taken a loan. I'm not really in a deficit, just a temporary liquidity problem that I'm hoping will be resolved soon, but it's not ideal to spend some of my loan on findom, instead of essentials.
On the other hand, to truly serve as the devil's advocate, it is true that I'm using the loan for more than the bare necessities. And since I'm spending on various things I want, not only things I need, why not findom? As this FinDom told me today, it feels good to spend on him. And he was right. But again, that comes from the conditioning he has put me under. So do I want to continue to ride that and enjoy it, or do I want to deny it from myself and break free again?
I don't have an answer to that. My struggle will continue. I'm not only looking toward another potential session, or his Twitter spaces, but a potential in-person meeting when I visit his city at the end of the month. It could be so hot, but so dangerous. Can I trust myself to limit my submission?
In his last couple of tweets he showed again how sadistic he is, but also that despite what he told me, he does look for our ruin after all. So maybe it's not accidental. He wants us to keep serving him, but he doesn't really care if we break. Not to mention that he told me that broken subs come back even more submissive. In his tweet, he wrote: "I want to break your fucking life on my dick." That says everything, doesn't it?
When I think about what happened yesterday, I realize that my AI agent was right in its psycho-analysis. I'm not looking just for submission but obliteration of my free will, of myself, taking a break from having to make decisions for myself and completely surrendering decision-making to someone else. As I previously told this FinDom, and again yesterday, I enjoyed when he helped me think, when he thought for me, when he decided for me what I should do — huff, send, create porn, and so on.
Yesterday I listened to his voice compilation, bought poppers, went on his Twitter space, and huffed. Those are a number of wins for him. I was following his plan and his wishes. But I still didn't feel compelled to send a tribute, even as he texted me his Throne address as a signal. Supposedly that shows some resilience, but my AI agent wasn't impressed. It said that didn't mean I wouldn't lose all control next time.
I was actually going to end my episode here, but this FinDom just hosted another space and I went to huff a little and ended up sending him another $27. I guess that tells you in which direction it's going for me.
For what it's worth, he spoke directly to me in his space, telling me I was being too literal in reading his tweets. That he was simply looking to trigger more subs. I know he knows that some of us seek that ruin, including me, as much as I consciously try to avoid it. But he's appealing to our subconscious. That doesn't change the fact that he tends to break us, whether he intends to or not. So that's a very clear and present danger. I wish it weren't so.
Until next time, be well, be good and have fun.