Consent, CNC and Bogus Consent

How come consent is such a heated topic?

People who want sex sometimes abuse their power in personal relationships, at the workplace, and with strangers. Unfortunately abusing power for sex is a common human behavior. So that's a problem that is not going away.

On the other hand, it's also a problem that is getting greater awareness. Some cases of sexual harassment and other forms of sexual violence involving celebrities have come to light in recent years, a long time after they occurred. The increased awareness after Me Too, has a big part in that.

Why is kink considered to violate appropriate consensual conduct?

Stigma. People get very sensitive when it comes to their sexuality. It pertains to our most private sensations, feelings, and thoughts, so we raise our guard high and people or society invest more in controlling our sexual behavior — often over-shooting — in an aim to protect us. Over the ages, so many sexual behaviors and characteristics were labeled as problematic: jerking off, being attracted to the same sex, having sex before marriage, having atypical sexual organs, drinking piss, transgressing gender norms, taking pleasure in (consensually) giving or receiving pain, and so forth.

However, consent is either given for a certain act or it is not. Labeling a whole category of actions as risky in terms of potentially violating consent has no basis and even demonstrates ignorance, if we consider the rules-based nature of a lot of kink play.

Am I implying that kink play promotes healthier consensual behavior than so-called normative sexual conduct?

Yes! Kink play is often very structured. Even if play may be spontaneous, there are usually strict rules that kinksters follow. At the very least, that starts with the very common practice of discussing limits — what is acceptable to us. Parties to kink play often also agree on a safe word, a pre-defined way for them to signal in an especially clear way when conduct may breach their limits and go beyond what they're willing to consent to. Some also exercise specific protocols, scripts, and traditions, which can help match expectations and reduce the chances of unexpected scenarios that can go beyond what they’re willing to consent to.

What about consensual non-consensual (CNC) behavior? It’s a kink that violates consent!

No! It’s a kink that reinforces consent! It’s a kink that puts consent at the center of play. It makes both parties be aware and appreciate that consent is being given — and that it is in the power of the sub to give it, or take it away.

However, I wish to clarify that this is not the same as “no limits.” That's a kind of behavior which I don’t believe can really exist — at least not in an ethical manner — because I believe a sub must always have the power to withdraw consent. By that I mean that CNC is negotiated and defined in advance.

In CNC, the Dom and sub normally agree on certain terms — limits, if you will. The non-consensual element may be, for example, in letting the Dom pimp out the sub to whomever he wants. I have something like that with my Master. I would do everything not to refuse to play with a guy he brings to join us. However, in very exceptional circumstances, as displeasing as it may be for him, I still reserve the right to refuse someone I find too hard to play with.

CNC may also mean not refusing sex when my Master wants it — again, unless I have exceptional circumstances — and this would still follow our established limits, like not inflicting pain or violence.

Another common limit on CNC is defining in advance exactly when it starts and when it ends.

Those are all ways for a sub to go beyond what he’d normally consent to, and yet this play would still be scripted or restricted in some ways.

Why is the categorical classification of certain behaviors as so-called bogus consent a cop out?

To be clear about what it means, bogus consent is a term used by platforms such as Patreon to define a situation in which a person cannot really give ongoing free and informed consent. That applies to hypnosis, but also to what happens while a person is intoxicated or unconscious.

A blanket classification of anything done in those situations as resulting from bogus consent is an attempt by certain actors, particularly businesses who sell or display content, to err on the side of caution. But it shows a failure or lack of will to dedicate resources to truly moderate content for behaviors that are truly harmful, so all they do is put an algorithm on it to check for banned words, or let an staff member without relevant training or decision-making power to screen content.

Worse, it reduces the meaning of consent to certain stigmatized practices which may or may not involve breaching consent. It shows an inability to identify when consent is given, withdrawn, or breached. And to be clear, in those cases consent was given. It was just done in advance — so it was not ongoing.

To be fair, I wholeheartedly agree that consent should be ongoing, and that a sub should always have the possibility to withdraw it. Such scenarios are therefore CNC situations by definition, because the sub may not be able to withdraw his consent while he is under hypnosis, asleep, or drunk. But he may have chosen freely to get into that situation (when he was alert and with full capacity to say no). He may have also set limits with the Dom. And then the question is whether the Dom respected them.

In recent years, book stores and content platforms such as Patreon have begun to prohibit any depiction of hypnosis, but they're often restricting it inconsistently. None of them would really prohibit the display or sale of Harry Potter stories, despite the author’s depiction of spells which control victims' actions. The conduct of those companies is highly unprincipled and does nothing to really advance understanding and respect for consent. It may even erode it.

But when a person is unable to give informed consent — like when he's under hypnosis — isn't that a problem?

It can be a problem, but it's not an inherently problematic situation. In the case of sex or other acts that may be done while the subject is under hypnosis, or if he's under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or if he's asleep, he could be taken advantage of. But is it really that difficult to examine a scenario to understand if that's the case?

If someone is drugged at a bar and then raped — that's a terrible crime. Consent was never given obviously. The same applies if the person is drunk, not just tipsy. It's also not alright to touch someone when they're asleep, if that's something that was never discussed.

However, it's a different case if this was pre-negotiated. If this was agreed in advance, when the subject was able to give free and informed consent and limits were set, then consent was not breached, as long the limits were respected. I would argue that a platform which takes a categorical position to define such an act as problematic is discouraging responsible behavior. It takes away responsibility and any agency from the person who is doing the act. It doesn't matter to the platform if he respects the limits that were set and if he does exactly what his partner wanted and consented to. They would make him wrong either way.

In addition, there's something that goes beyond the question of whether CNC acts are acceptable or not. For some reason, content platforms have decided that they only want acceptable behaviors to be depicted. As if every depicted act is condoned by definition. What about crime investigations? They make great stories, TV shows, and movies, not to mention real crime reported on the news. Why is that not good enough for Patreon? What am I missing?

How can we advance consensual behavior?

• Discuss limits.
• Be clear about what consent means to you and make sure it aligns with the actual meaning of consent. Here is the note about consent which I added to my books depicting hypnosis:

All scenes in this book depict fully consensual acts between informed adults. Erotic hypnosis, persuasion, and suggestion are used here within the bounds of negotiated kink. The protagonist, House Slave Fag, consents not only to the actions described but to the experience of being hypnotized and transformed. He chooses this role willingly and with awareness of its implications. It must be understood that there is ongoing enthusiastic consent on the protagonist’s part, with the ability to withdraw consent at any time.

Ask yourself in every situation, do you and your partner maintain the possibility to withdraw consent at all times? If you’re a sub, ask yourself: Are you at liberty to refuse to your Dom at all times?

If you’re a Dom, ask yourself: Is your sub at liberty to refuse to you at all times?

If there is any doubt, then you cannot consider that consent was given in this case and this may even involve abuse, if a sub was not given the liberty to refuse, or was given the impression that he can’t or mustn’t say no.

If you have questions or feel like you need to talk, please feel free to reach out. I am at HouseSlaveFag@gmail.com or HSFaggot on twitter.