Give a sub Some Rope
The undefined limits
After sharing with you last week my thoughts about the importance for Doms to respect limits, I want to add that they also need to be able to give a sub some rope.
Trust me, this is not a plot to make Doms softer on us subs. This is not even about asking for much more, but it is more accurately described as a kind of extension on the concept of limits. While limits are clearly defined and can ideally be communicated in advance, the need for rope is more loosely defined. A sub might not always know how much rope he needs exactly, but he should be able to signal that he needs ”some” rope.
Too often it seems a Dom doesn’t realize that he still needs to do some work to gain both a sub's trust and his will to submit to the Dom. Submission is something that the sub gives, not something the Dom takes.
Figuring out how much rope a sub needs exactly requires some emotional intelligence on the part of the Dom. For example, last week I engaged with a Dom who was on the emotionally dumber end of the spectrum. Despite very obvious mitigating factors, he expected more submission than I was ready to give before I had the chance to get to know him.
A more confident Dom would have celebrated his win — managing to make me send him cage check photos every two hours and locking myself for several hours longer than I was required by my Master. I consider it an especially worthy victory over me, because he gained my submission although he had an extremely limited online presence for me to know he was worthy of my submission. His twitter profile was private, and his Throne profile kept finsubs' sends secret, so I had no evidence of his domination style or his success in making subs submit to him.
Instead of celebrating his win, this Dom dwelled on my refusal to submit to further locking on the weekend, when I was expecting to be off, based on my Master's requirements. He reacted to my refusal by saying that he had wanted to make me submit but I was “always” pushing back. There was always "something." I guess he focused on his failure to make me submit further, instead of realizing that I simply needed some rope. I needed the weekend off, and I needed to get to know him before deciding if I wanted to submit further to him.
Now to the mitigating factors for my behavior:
- It has only been 24 hours since we started playing. So saying I "always" pushed back was hyperbole.
- I explained that I needed to take things easy at this time, which he knew meant my mourning over my dad who had passed away just a week earlier. So saying there was always "something," was at best dumb, at worst — showing he was a first class douchebag.
- I was already doing "No Nut November," which is no small challenge, and in my state of mind, as I explained to him, I was at the end of my rope.
A first class douchebag deserved a harsher reaction, but I just told him I didn’t appreciate the gaslighting, and that since it’s only been a day since we began playing, saying “always” was hyperbole. The insecure prick blocked me. Talk about fragile masculinity. Or shrimp dick.
In contrast, I'm happy to give the example of my hung Owner. Oof, I can't wait to see him again. But I digress.
My Master can be very demanding, but he usually knows when I need him to give me some rope, and if he doesn’t, he backs off after I make it abundantly clear.
When I began going on gay cruises with my Master, it was difficult to get used to him keeping me on a tight leash (figuratively speaking) in front of everyone. If he didn't let me cum, that added to my stress, and on a couple of occasions I couldn't contain myself and I lashed out.
House Slave Fag
Over time I learned to communicate to my Master when I needed more rope. It could be that I just needed to cum, or to slut out a bit on the dick deck, or to have a couple of hours by myself to recharge. I can appreciate that it's not always easy for a Dom to hear that from his sub. It can be taken as if I'm managing up, refusing his orders, or just being insolent.
When things between us get especially rocky and I feel like I could explode or he could take things the wrong way, I have to resort to using the safe word. Those are the times when we both need to pause for a minute and step out of our roles to have an adult conversation about our needs and expectations.
My Master is not easy on me by any means. Sometimes I feel he's too strict and doesn't get me. But so much more often than not, as long as I communicate respectfully and in time, before blowing up — even if I have to use the safe word "please Sir, mercy" — he'll listen and give me the rope I need, and for that I am so grateful.