How to Handle Financial Domination (Part 4)
Putting It into Practice
Whenever exploring the topic of financial domination (or findom in short) I recommend starting from my foundational three posts. You can listen to them on the podcast for free (e.g. on Apple or Spotify), or paid subscribers can also read them here.
This post is a part of a series:
“How to Handle Financial Domination”
Part 1: How I Slipped
Part 2: Strategies for Protecting Yourself
Part 3: How to Spiral All the Way (If You Want)
Part 4: Putting It into Practice
I had an interesting experience this week with my first formal consultation with a finsub. I've written several posts on the topic of financial domination and in the past few weeks I discussed how a finsub can protect himself from spiraling, or alternatively, let himself spiral further. So I figured that I could also put it into practice with one-on-one consultations.
I tweeted the following:
DM for this sub’s free, unprofessional counsel on #findom.
Just answer 3 questions:
1. How much have you sent?
2. [Are you] Trying to quit — or go deeper?
3. Will you never send money meant for your dependents?
When a finsub sent me a message and we got into his issues, I surprised myself by how much I was able to help him, though it remains to be proven if he is a good boi and can stick to his new goals. I told him he should check in with me after his next paycheck at the end of the month, if he wants my support in holding him to account.
That finsub enjoys sending and he was able to afford it, but he was worried about ruining himself, and wasn't sure how he felt about the idea of going into debt. So I understood that he wasn't really looking to stop sending altogether and that it could also be too hard or too abrupt for him to stop completely. His safety and well-being are my first priority, but I realized that I could assist him in making findom more sustainable, so that he can enjoy it in the long term, rather than going into agonizing cycles of draining all the way into debt, panicking and stopping, and then relapsing later. In my opinion, that step of panicking is too painful, harmful to one's mental health, and it unnecessarily breaks sending habits.
He's in his 30s, so he has his whole life ahead of him, and I think he should save as much as he can toward his retirement, starting as early as possible. He can do findom, but not at the expense of his future. It's ok for a finsub to feel he's sacrificing something, but he should be smart about what he chooses to sacrifice.
Taking from his long-term savings in order to send to FinDoms has two disadvantages. One is that he doesn't even realize what he's depriving himself of, because the pain will only be felt in the future. So he could easily draw too much from his savings without feeling it, in the absence of any precautions. Second, because he doesn't really feel the pain so much today, he's really missing out on what he's looking to get out of findom.
The solution to both problems is sending from money he needs in the present. Have it cost him something real today, whether it’s just a latte, or something bigger such as postponing his next restaurant outing or giving up a new set of clothes, or even forcing himself to take a dormitory room in a hostel instead of a private room in a hotel on his next trip.
To get there, I advised him to first set up an automatic monthly transfer from his checking account with the largest percentage of his paycheck that would still leave him with enough for the standard of living he’s accustomed to, including a buffer for short- to mid-term savings. The buffer is there to save for when he needs more money for larger expenses like a big trip, a new car, or moving into a new apartment. In that way he will hopefully have no excuse to ever dip into his retirement savings, which really should be off-limits.
He’s already completed the first step of setting up the automatic transfer. I also recommended to follow up with a financial advisor when possible. But I’m proud of him for taking that step and I hope that it has already helped to protect his retirement savings, as well as let him feel the costs of sending more viscerally, as he sacrifices concrete pleasures in the present. I really hope he can protect himself, stress less, and feel the sending in a way that gives him more pleasure.
And you know what, even if he ends up sending less to FinDoms, they may appreciate it if his sending becomes more consistent, rather than erratic.
Now comes the matter of rewarding his counselor. I’m afraid my advice may have been too effective, as the sub was very reluctant to send anything to express his appreciation. My tweet may have been misleading a bit, as I offered free advice. It is free. I genuinely want to help finsubs. But that doesn’t mean I don’t expect at least modest appreciation, particularly as it seemed he could afford it.
I made the point that I was not looking to drain him. I simply wanted him to reaffirm his place as a sub and have him express appreciation in the right way. But I promised I would not ask for more until the next paycheck, particularly because I was telling him that he should reduce his sending and avoid any of it until his next paycheck—aside from a modest token of his appreciation.
I realize that this may seem like a conflict in messaging, but that’s how I feel I should be regarded. If he wants me to help him stay accountable to his plan for following my advice, I want to know that he appreciates it at least as much as a minimal send. Otherwise, how do I even know that he’s able to follow my instructions?
Eventually he agreed, but that was yesterday and he still hasn’t sent. I’m not going to chase him, but I won’t help him with staying accountable until the end of the month. Without that signal, his continued training will have to wait until after his next paycheck, when I’m willing to drain him a little extra so he can show a little more appreciation to me. Then I’ll know I can really work with him.
P.S., he asked to send (maybe more than the minimal amount I had suggested) after his next paycheck. I appreciated his transparency. And then I learned that his findom situation is more complicated and he will need more consultation. This will be interesting.
Get your own one-on-one consultation
If you also want to practice findom in a safe space, slide into my DMs. I promise you that your well-being is my top priority, before making you leak, even when you want to. I only want your money if you can confirm that you're looking to send, not to quit (and regardless, I'll help you if you want to quit too). However, if you're sending money meant for your dependents, please seek help from a professional.
- Twitter/X: @HSFaggot
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