An Intimate Interview (Part 4): Safety Measures

One thing that really gives me pause is the "fear factor." It just seems like you run the risk of getting screwed (not in a good way) if you're not extraordinarily careful. So how do doms and subs find one another, and what does the "dance" look like as they maneuver toward one another?

Excellent question! It's so important to be careful when hooking up, regardless of whether or not it involves BDSM. There are such scary horror stories of terrible things happening to guys just looking to have fun and I don't even want to go into the details of those scenarios. Perhaps the scariest part is that this can happen with sociopaths who know how to seem normal, so some of these measures won't help against them. I've watched a couple of seasons of the show "You," but I couldn't watch more than half of the first episode of one of the other famous shows that told the story of a serial killer that targeted gay guys.

So what do you do? There are all sorts of safety measures one can take, and honestly, I can't say that I take all of them, as they could make it impossible to hook up. You might think that seeking a house slave situation is riskier, but I'm not so sure. I think any hookup is risky, sometimes riskier, because you don't spend as much time to get to know the person as you might do when you're planning to visit him for a few days. Most of us just want to see some pictures, at best, and then we head over to him or invite him over to our place. Some of us even like the scenario of waiting blindfolded for a guy, which I find exciting too, but very risky, especially with someone you're meeting for the first time.

First thing I'd suggest is to trust your instincts. If something doesn't feel right, don't do it. If you have any doubts about a guy, don't meet him. Know to distinguish between being anxious about a hookup and feeling fear. Fear is healthy and it's better to err on the side of caution, because no hookup is worth the potential risk. If you find out he lied about anything, including his looks - and I know that may often be expected or accepted - that's a good reason for you to have doubts about taking it any further with this guy. If anything is inconsistent with his story, you can give him a chance to explain, but keep in mind that you already got an important red flag. If you find a second red flag, don't meet in private.

You know, my Master is especially anxious about me meeting anyone in private, and even more so when it's a house slave situation. So everyone has to go through his approval. I know most people don't have that safety system. But on the other hand, many do keep someone in the loop about their planned encounters. Not that my Master is a better judge of character than me, just based on a face picture (which I send only with the guy's permission, of course). Usually it's more for my Master to decide if the other guy is good enough by his standards. But he considers this to be an extra safety measure too, and I tend to agree. I think my Master got it right, that there should be a record of my hookup's face on my phone, in case the worst thing happens. So if the guy doesn't send a face picture, or he only sends a disappearing picture, I'd recommend not to meet in private.

It's a good idea to have a friend or family member be able to track your location at all times through your phone. My Master can track me. You're giving up some privacy for that, but who knows when you might need this. If you can actually tell someone when you're about to have a hookup, that's best. For partnered guys, I think it's definitely a good idea to let the partner know where and when an encounter is to take place, whether it’s at your place or elsewhere.

This just made me think that I remember hearing about a local app somewhere that tried to provide extra security. You want someone who can be informed about your hookup and maybe even know who you're meeting with, or at least where and when. You want to be able to share information with someone who knows you, in case you don't check in by a certain time to confirm that you're ok. And you may even want the app to call the police for you, if needed. I looked in the app store but still found too few options. Noonlight seems like a potentially good option that does all that, but it seems like it's only relevant if you're based in the US. Or at least the part about calling the police, though maybe you could still use its other features even when abroad. If anyone knows of other good options, feel free to leave a comment. I'm not affiliated with Noonlight.

Probably the first thing you can do for your safety, if the guy is not in a rush (though they usually are), is to meet somewhere public first. Whether that's to meet at a cafe before going up to his place or inviting him over to your place, or spending a whole evening with him at a bar first, to get better acquainted. This is the same kind of precaution that is used in professional settings by some organizations, especially where security is a concern. Employees are required by protocol to hold their first meeting with a new colleague at the office, which is the most secure setting, as the guest is screened and their employee is monitored and protected by security personnel throughout the meeting.

Just to say, we're not 100% safe at a bar either, because some of those scary cases involved guys having a drug poured into their drink. I think guys in the US are much more mindful of that, though I've seen signs against GHB in some bars and clubs in Europe, such as Lab.Oratory in Berlin. But I was very surprised to see guys in some bars leaving their unfinished drink at the bar, while they went to the restroom or smoking or cruising.

Another thing I've done with people I was meeting for the first time, was to hide my valuables when inviting them over, or going to their place with minimal valuables. Though it's always good to have at least $20 with you to give away and hope that prevents violence, in case they were just looking to rob you. I never invite two guys to my place and I'm usually cautious about joining two guys at their place, unless I know them. Not that I consider myself that strong to necessarily overpower any one guy who might want to harm me. Especially if he's prepared with a drug.

Let me just share a little more on that point about avoiding meeting with more than one guy, because I learned that the hard way. It was over a decade ago in New York, even before Grindr. I made a plan to hookup with two guys, based on their ad on Craigslist, a terrible old platform that was used for hookups and finding an apartment.

The guys were hot, big and muscular. I got naked and started to suck off one of them. He was saying something about putting money in the jar and I had no idea what he was talking about, but I didn't pay attention. When he said it again, I stopped sucking and asked what was going on. It escalated very quickly and he and the other guy were threatening to beat me up, falsely insisting that their Craigslist ad said they were expecting money. It didn't help that I said I would never have come if they had asked for money. They were just looking to rob me.

I immediately started to get dressed and raised my voice, telling them to leave me alone. They also let their big dog intimidate me. I yelled at the top of my voice for them to leave me alone, although I'm not sure any New Yorker would have cared to come and rescue me. I didn't even get to put my coat on as I rushed to get to the door, under their threats of violence and the menacing dog. My shouting seemed to have persuaded my host to leave me alone, but it really was scary.

Gosh, it's awful to talk about all of this, but it's true, we need to be careful.

To end on a nicer note, I think Recon has worked much better for me than Grindr for finding potential Masters. Maybe because people are revealing a little more of themselves, exposing their kinks, you're more likely to find people you can connect with, rather than guys who aren't up for more than brief hookups. Overall, I've met really cool people through Recon and have had way fewer problematic real-life encounters than I've had from Grindr. That's not to say they were all good matches, but at least they were all safe and more reliable than some casual Grindr encounters. But I've always had at least one video call with a Master before accepting an invitation to visit and stay as their house slave for a night or longer.

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