Mindfucked into Desperation: Part 1 (The Feeling)
When a sub is so horny and eager he can become desperate to do anything in the service of others - that's desperation.
As subs we can regularly enjoy something that Doms normally don't enjoy, and that is desperation. It's so much more than just being horny. It's being so horny that you feel like you want to do anything for a Master. You feel an uncontrollable urge to offer yourself to be used in the most degrading ways he might want. You just feel so terribly eager, helpless and needy.
Now that's a real problem, because neediness really puts off most guys. It can rightly be taken as showing that you don't have enough to offer, that you feel you need to beg for the company of another guy. Neediness can not only put off vanilla guys, but also Masters - those men who should consider begging as a completely natural and desirable behavior of their subs. The guys who appreciate that kind of desperate submission are few and far between. They belong to a special kind of Alpha that encourages desperation and even thrives on it.
My Owner likes me to be eager for him, but up to a limit. He likes that I pamper him and that I make an effort to visit him as often as possible, half-way across the world from where I usually am. He also knows to exploit and develop my desperation. After all, early in our relationship, he imposed chastity and not cumming for 10 days to get me into the right state of mind to accept his collar and become owned by him. In recent months he also started imposing it three weeks in advance of my visits, to get me in a better mindset for his benefit by the time I arrive at his place.
But there's a delicate balance, because my Master also wants me to know my own worth. On a number of occasions, when I asked for his permission to serve someone, he said "you can do better." And don't get me wrong, I feel good about myself, despite the usual body-image issues, which have improved since I've invested more in my workouts, watching what I eat and counting macros. I like what I have to offer. I just want to offer a lot of it. That is, I want to slut out, be used and maybe even be degraded. I fantasize about being whored out, but that completely conflicts with what he wants. In his eyes, if I get used by someone who is lesser than him, that projects badly on him.
This tension should help explain to you the gap between me being whored out in my fantasy stories and my real-life sexual adventures. Granted, I still get used well on my travels, but there are always significant limits getting in the way. I usually have more quality one-on-one encounters (or if I'm lucky, two-on-one, especially at the saunas), rather than a lot of group sex. Therefore, whatever I can't get in real life because of his limitations or my limits, I still wish to bring to life through my fantasy stories. And I want to do even more of that when I'm in a desperate state of mind, like now.
FinDoms on the other hand love to encourage desperation. Some non-FinDoms might enjoy it too, but it comes most naturally to FinDoms, because desperation is practically a prerequisite to sending money to a FinDom. It's an irrational thing to send and finsubs are more encouraged to do it when they are dumbed down, when they become so needy for attention and desperate to please a man.
There's one guy I've been talking to lately who has really managed to push my buttons, exploiting my desperation. He's not the first. Remember GingerDom29, who cash raped and transformed me? And AlphaSigmaTyler who got me to do a lot of work for him?
This Alpha has asked me to keep his identity out of my blog, so I won't offer any details to describe him. I’ll just focus on our interactions and my perspective. Though thankfully, when I told him I was writing this, he told me to send it to him when I'm done. Therefore, I feel like that gives me a little more leeway, because I get the opportunity to clear this post with him in case he feels I gave away too many details about him.
Now, when I wrote "thankfully," I could really feel that in my body, just like that eagerness to please. I feel so thankful for that opportunity to serve, that it makes me want to get on my knees, even though I'm alone in my room and not with him. I've mentioned this feeling before. That's something that as an atheist I can only imagine may be like the feeling believers have. He's not here and yet I still feel compelled to signal in some way, even in private, that I worship him. So from here until the end of this post, I'm going to write this while being on my knees.
If you're a sub, I encourage you to try it for yourself, whenever you're feeling especially horny or eager. Whenever you're really desperate. It might help calm you down as it does for me. Pacify you. Help you relax. Because when you get on your knees, you are acting in congruence with your role. You're being a good boy. And there's nothing a sub loves more than having it reaffirmed that he's a good boy.
I've only been talking with this Alpha for a few days, but every day I got more desperate for him. I found him very close to me on my Grindr grid and he seemed attractive. I mean, I was into his profile, based on his photos, but not head over heels. What made the difference was our exchange and his obviously dominant personality. It also turned out that he was staying at my hotel, but not to get your hopes up, we didn't get to meet before he left.
His profile actually didn’t reveal any kinks, just that he was a top and open-minded, or something along those lines. He seemed approachable and I dared to be blunt on my first message, asking if he ever takes house slaves. It's not clear if he can take me in when I visit his city, but he's had slaves before.
Not only is he a Master, but he's a FinDom. I consider this a downside, because I understand that this may get in the way of me serving him, as I don't want to go into findom with him and I can't afford much anyway. Still, even though I wasn't sure he'd let me serve him without findom, I kept trying to meet him. Desperately. Which he encouraged! When he said my desperation actually turned him on, it's like nothing was stopping me anymore from groveling and begging for any opportunity to serve him.
It also made a difference that he called me a faggot and a bitch. Showing a sub that you recognize his role is a good way to get into his sub heart. And he was very clear about knowing the place he thought was appropriate for me. He said he liked to stay at a hotel that a sub reserved and let the sub sleep on the floor. I don't know I'd be ready for that, unless I manage to set up something comfortable using blankets on the floor that would at least let me still get a good night's sleep. That's all I care about. My health is a crucial limit, but I don't mind the degradation. That's his prerogative over me as an Alpha.
The timing of our encounter was awful because I was just recovering from a cold, and of course I disclosed that to him and explained that because of that I wasn't seeking sex with him. I really wanted to bottom for him or suck him, but I didn't want to risk getting him sick. Though actually, I'm not even sure whether he's looking to fuck me or just to use me in other ways. I offered to accompany him in sightseeing or dining. I also offered to massage his feet. At some point he said he could use me for a little chore to clean something for him and I gladly went and bought what was needed for that. But we didn't meet after all and I didn't get to serve him.
I was just not important to him. He knew he had the option to use me for whatever he wanted (with the exception of me needing to obtain my Master's permission for meeting in private). He even said he may be interested in using me. He just had other priorities for his vacation and I was down at the bottom. I really wanted to meet at least briefly since we were so close, because it will take a greater effort to meet him when I visit his city, as I won't be in the same building as I was now. But I also couldn't complain about being at the bottom of his priorities. I craved having that place under him. I begged to meet and be at his feet.
House Slave Fag